So this is how it felt when my daughter left for college: I want to text her every minute of the day while trying to be cool about it; asking the hubby if I should call her now? Don’t want to look like a stalker mom. If I can, I will be living with her in her dorm room - well, I won’t mind sleeping on the floor. I am simple, you know. And so many unfounded worries just keeps on racing in my mind - Is she going to eat healthy? Is she not going to get lost in a pile of laundry? Will somebody lace her drink and she is going to get raped? Her grades, is it going to make her move on to the next semester? Will she find a job after graduation? You know, those normal mom worries?
Letting go is indeed hard to do, but, I . DID. IT. It has been two months since she left, we had visited thrice and seeing her in person being so happy and confident somehow brought me comfort. The first time I saw her, I barely recognized her. She literally turned into a woman. PHYSICALLY, her gait was confident, her shoulder broad with confidence and her eyes just sparkled . MENTALLY, she works hard and her smile is beaming with radiance.I cannot put my finger into it, but it maybe to a new found freedom. And happiness that finally, there is no more nagging mom looking over her shoulder. I found that she is amusing to talk to. I've established that she is really funny and a very nice girl. Seeing her like this make me want to visit her every single week; but we are trying not to visit her often because we don’t want to exhaust out welcome.
What is strange is the house felt empty and desolate. The house is empty, but there is an echoing noise. It felt lacking but complete. Complete in a sense there is a feeling of fulfillment that she has matured and has embarked to a journey on shaping her future. She made a decision FOR HERSELF. Shutting outside whispers, particularly her parents’, on what to do.
I remember when she was still with us. We fought about her college applications almost daily. I was pulling my hair off seeing her not even give a damn of sharing her future plans. Rolling her eyes when we ask her about them and I was on my knees praying to God to open up her mind, and mouth, to assure us all will be well. I woke up crying and upset BUT NOW, those are in the past. Those worries are useless because I realized she indeed got this. And 2 months after leaving just proved that.
Her grades are great, her relationship with classmates is excellent and she built a happy relationship with her dorm mates. AND MOST, SHE FINALLY FEELS HOW MUCH WE LOVE HER. Mind you, her actions show SHE MISSES US. She actually ask how to cook these and this SWEET POTATO STEW, which was her fav when she was with us. She now have the gumption to call us and answer our texts. And we finally have a decent conversation. Those gentle gestures comforted me. I finally sleep well at night.
My daughter left for college and I learned so much about letting go. I was falling apart, but I’ve risen above the fear and worry. It is now replaced with confidence and pride. I will always hold her in my prayer because that is all I can do. I have never been more grateful about my faith until now. My daughter left for college and I have accepted that children grow and they shape their future without me planning it for them. I have learned to LET GO AND SURRENDER. ALSO, I FOUND THAT LIFE JUST WORKS OUT ITSELF.
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